


Short Stories About Sad Old Men

by gouguruheddo



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Happy Eruri, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Mental Breakdown, Modern AU, Prostitution, Sex, Tragedy, dad!eruri, eruri - Freeform, more tags as more chapters are added, teacher!eruri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-08 19:06:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8857309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gouguruheddo/pseuds/gouguruheddo
Summary: Collection of short drabbles of some of my favorite Eruri tropes and other shit.





	1. About Being Dads

There’s yellow and blue fingerpaint in his hair and five tiny trails of oatmeal down the front of his t-shirt. Eren grabs Levi’s cheeks between his two small palms, slapping air out of his dad’s cheeks and giggling as Levi blows raspberries into his hands.

This year, all three of the kids are in kindergarten: Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. Levi and Erwin are new parents. It had been a difficult choice, but Levi took the previous year off from teaching, knowing that finding employment again in their district would be hard. But he insisted, and Erwin agreed. Levi wanted to give these orphans a better life than he had growing up, and Erwin didn’t see how he could disagree with that.

Mikasa sits next to Levi’s leg, nervously tugging on the hem of Levi’s shirt, not because she necessarily wants anything, but just as cognitive reassurance that he’s still there and alive. Armin sits on the couch, face buried in a book, proudly pronouncing words far above his reading level to no one in particular. 

Levi wraps his arms around Eren, pulls him into his lap facing forward, and takes one hand around his son’s and leans him forward to dip his index finger into some yellow paint. He guides Eren’s hand along the piece of paper for a few seconds, before releasing the boy’s hand. 

“Wha’ is dat?” Eren questions, confused by what he had drawn. He’s really trying to figure out what it is, tiny brows furrowed in deep concentration.

Levi’s voice comes out light, airy. Happy. “It’s you. As a booger.”

Eren screeches, slapping his hands up onto Levi’s cheeks again, smearing yellow paint around while all four of them take to giggling loudly.

Erwin’s sitting at the kitchen table, pen steady against the pile of papers he’s grading. Levi’s eyes meet his, bright and more alive than they ever have been. His giggling slows, but his smile stays. Eyes tired, always tired, but tired now because of little bodies climbing between them during the night to shield bad dreams. Tired because of early mornings packing three lunch boxes and making five breakfasts. He’s tired, but not so much anymore because of the past that enjoys haunting him.

Erwin smiles back, and puts down his pen. He shifts out of his chair, his hands coming up with fingers spread wide and claw like. “Who doth disturbs the bear from his slumber!” He prowls over, his legs bowing out in a long, awkward stride.

Levi smiles wider, and the four of them all screech in horror as they scramble around the living room, doing their best to avoid the terrible claws of papa bear.


	2. About Being Whores

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That time when Erwin gets blackmailed by a noblewoman.

“You look like shit.” Levi comments, pushing himself off of the wall, making sure that the soles of his boots smear dirt across the wallpaper.

Erwin ignores Levi’s comment. They’re walking quick, and Levi needs to practically trot to keep up with Erwin’s stride. Levi watches as Erwin runs his hand back against his hair, stray strands poking up in its wake. His shirt is rumpled, half buttoned, and his bolo hangs loosely cradled against his slightly exposed chest.

They don’t speak until the get back to headquarters.

\--

“You look like shit.” Levi says, because that’s what he always says now. It amuses him, dares to curl the edges of his lips. “She must really like you.”

Erwin is put well together. He even smells a little clean, as if he’s bathed, but his hair is dry and immaculate. “I suppose she does,” he says, sounding a bit defeated. Levi scoffs.

They talk little on the way back.

\--

“You look like shit.” Levi follows close behind, his arms folded. He dares to ask, because it’s Levi, and he’s rude and maybe a little jealous but _definitely_ concerned about his commander. “How much money do you even get out of these broads?”

“Enough,” Erwin answers. Levi takes it as a command.

Levi doesn’t say anything until the next day.

\--

“I know.” Erwin says as he closes the door behind him.

Levi has practically memorized the design engraved on it, all dated and Victorian, probably so fucking expensive. He hates it here. Specifically here. He hates all the women Erwin sees, but this one...

“Let’s go.”

Levi yells at some cadets that night in the mess hall and storms off to his quarters, ignoring Erwin’s disappointed gaze.

\--

“You look like shit.” And it’s true this time.

Erwin’s panicked. His eyes are blown and they dart and target on Levi, heavy and desperate. It looks like he barely got his shirt on this time, and two of the buttons are misaligned. He roughly grabs Levi’s arm and they’re rushing down the same hallway they walk down every three weeks. He’s swearing under his breath.

“What the hell got into you, eyebrows?”

“Again,” Erwin breathes.

“What the fuck are you on about?”

“I did it again.” They’re slowing down now that they’re in the courtyard of the mansion.

“Hm?”

Erwin stares off at their carriage. Quietly, barely audible enough to hear above the clamour of horse hooves on cobblestone, he says, “I said your name.”

He doesn’t turn his head when he looks down at Levi, but if that little shit doesn’t have the biggest smile on his face that he’s ever seen.

\--

Levi makes Erwin call his name so loud that night that they hear Mike’s voice on the other side of Erwin’s door telling them to shut up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to do a more serious one of this later.


	3. About Meeting (Again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That time that they meet in another life.

He has the rim of his coffee cup to his lips, his eyes trained on the walk signal, short breaths puffing into the lid to cool the contents. The winter chill pinches his nose pink, his fingers a little sore from the cold despite the expensive leather that covers them. His eyes wander slightly to the group of people waiting to come to his side of the street--mostly business people, a small family holding hands, college students. One of his big eyebrows raises when he sees a short man among the group, facing to cross the street perpendicular to himself. The man’s bouncing on his heels, his jacket much too thin for the weather, hands deep into his pockets, eyes nervous and sunken. 

Their eyes meet. 

He drops his coffee cup from his lips, drops it to the ground, spilling onto his dress shoes, the hot liquid seeping through the tongue and down to his toes. 

He’s moving. The walk signal hasn’t changed yet. The chime hasn’t started. He crosses the crosswalk without even looking, knowing that if his dad were still alive, he’d be scolding him for not remembering the basic rules of traffic safety. A car screeches to a stop, the driver is screaming loud enough to hear through closed windows. He offers an apology, a hand in the air, a sign of submission. But he needs to make it across the street before the man leaves. He doesn’t know why, he just  _ does _ .

He feels the seconds melt away as he checks for cars this time, finishing his cross in a desperate sprint. There’s chatter around him, some asking if he’s ok, some cursing him a dumbass. He doesn’t care.

There’s a heat, like a gash, on the right side of his neck.

It runs down his arm and makes it feel numb, phantom. He clenches his fist and looks down briefly to make sure it’s still there.

The fire settles into his stomach. He feels like he can retch right there on the sidewalk, but he’s afraid his guts would spill out if he did.

“Levi!” The name comes out with such certainty, and he doesn’t know why. He’s never known a Levi. The only time he’s heard of a person with the name was when he watched  _ Jesus Camp _ as an undergrad.

Levi has been watching him the entire time. He blinks once, his face stoic, but there’s a softness in his eyes now. “... Erwin?”

There’s no missing beats. They don’t question why the other knows their names. “Coffee,” Erwin huffs, “Would you like to get coffee with me?” 

Levi eyes him up and down. He looks up at Erwin, the angle of his neck feeling familiar. Levi brings his right hand up to his chest, over his heart. It feels like it’s something he’s done before, the front of his jacket entangled within his fist. He shakes his head.

“Right,” Erwin says. “Right… You are a tea drinker, aren’t you?”


	4. About Remembering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That time that Erwin buys Levi flowers.

His chest is tight. He can’t breathe. He seizes as if he were dead already, all his muscles and joints going stiff, his jaw tight. He feels a burning behind his eyes but nothing comes. It never does. Fuck, it never does.

He’s trying to make it down the hallway. Trying to escape the ghosts, the screams, the blood. The panic had come plunking down, as it always does, but his bucket is full and he is overflowing and he grabs onto the sill of the closest window. He’s sweating. Breathing hard.

He’s

f

a

l

l

i

n

g

.

.

.

.

.

To his knees and he’s shaking but he’s still stiff and he’s wheezing. His fingers come up to pull at his hair, and he’s shaking. Nails scrape against his scalp, and it burns but at least he can feel it, it brings the burning behind his eyes to threaten to  _ do _ something. Just fucking  _ do _ something.

He croaks because he knows what he’s doing, but he can’t tell his body to stop. So weak, so pathetic. All those kills mean nothing, all those deaths mean nothing, if he can’t just stand on his own two feet. Just fucking  _ stand _ .

His forehead meets the cool stone of the wall, and it feels good against his feverish skin. He’s gasping for breath, but he’s not sobbing or crying or doing anything but being a crumpled mess of bones and flesh and muscle and hair. Get  _ up _ .

Somewhere he hears a voice calling his name and he tries to respond but his voice doesn’t work, his throat too swollen and cowardly. He feels fingers pressed into his carotid artery. Animalistically, he brings his own hand up to grip onto the wrist, squeezes it hard as he tries to go for a knife that’s in his boot. Another large hand comes up and seizes the offending hand before it can strike. He hears his name again, and this time he returns with a soft, defeated mutter. It carries the name of the man that saved him. 

He’s quiet.

Hears his breathing.

_ Huff. _

_ Huff. _

_ Huff. _

 

_ Huff. _

  
  


_ Huff. _

  
  
  


_ Huff. _

  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Huff. _

It smelled like magnolias.

There had been magnolias in his quarters. Of course the man didn’t know, because between him and the man, they have secrets. And  _ of course _ the man forgot about magnolias--he has seen so many of his men die to remember them all. 

But  _ he _ didn’t forget… White petals flash images of red hair behind closed eyes. He chokes again, balled fists coming to his face. It had been so long. He tells himself he had almost forgotten.  _ He almost forgot. _

His head tilts into the body in front of him. The only thing he has left in all this damn world was the same man that had been careless in his frail attempt of affection. But the man’s here, he supposes, and he’s holding him and they’re in the hallway and they need to get out he says. He’s sorry. He’s so sorry. He remembers magnolia now, he remembers her energy, her skills, her connection to wildlife, and  _ fuck _ he had been so careless. He promises he tossed the flowers out of the window. They are gone now. The ghostly petals would haunt him no more. He promises. He promises he did this and that they need to get out of the hallway.

Up.

_ Huff. _

_ Huff. _

 

_ Huff. _

  
  
  


_ Huff. _

Legs shaking and weak, one big arm around his hip and holding him up as they walk back to quarters that belong to the man. They aren’t his quarters, but he is in them often enough that they’re more comfortable than his own. But not tonight. Not tonight.

The man sits him down on the desk chair as he closes the door. He looks at him with concern, his blue eyes dark and rimmed in red. He apologizes again. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He had been so careless. 

He doesn’t meet the man’s eyes.

He stares off at the panels of the floorboards.

Vision blurring.

Tears falling.


	5. About First Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That time they first have sex.

Sex isn’t a thing that accompanies love. Not in their world.

Levi had lost his virginity at eight years old. Even at that age, he knew that morality didn’t exist in the underground. He knew that this lack of humanity paid him in enough coins to keep his belly less empty. It wasn’t until Kenny came around that Levi was able to slice wet, swollen red gashes into men’s necks instead, taking full pouches of bronze that could feed them both for a month.

It took years for him to associate sex to pleasure, and even then it was just to relieve the overwhelming feeling of being ‘full’. It was a swelling panic that layered on top of him like lizard skin until it weighed down all of his limbs. It dared to make his head fuzzy, his movements dull. Back alleys--he became well associated with back alleys. Cock aching after every job, finding himself spending bronze coins to pay for a mouth around his dick and fingers squeezing his balls. Women, men, it didn’t matter.

Levi didn’t have to pay anymore once he met Furlan. They didn’t love, they just fucked. Not often, just enough to keep themselves sharp. It was always quick, animalistic. They never kissed. One leg on the bed, one arm propped against the wall, his ass full and dripping with Furlan’s cum, his own cock spent across the wall like splattered plaster.

They stopped fucking when Isabel entered their lives. They became a family. A dysfunctional one, but a family nonetheless. It felt more real than his mother or Kenny ever did.

Levi started paying for it again, but they had made a name for themselves in the underground now. He found people offered him sex for free depending on how late and how full of booze they were. Women offered, their pussies wet from the stories they heard about him, but he never fucked cunts. He didn’t want to have bastards running around in a shithole like that.

Then the Survey Corps found them, and he had no relief under those watchful blue eyes. He found himself up on the rooftop of headquarters, his own cock in his hand, thinking of blond hair and broad shoulders, grunting silently into his fist as he came. He shed his lust in his hand, his orgasm the wetstone to sharpen his wits. The squad leader’s voice echoed in his mind, his compliments affecting him more than he ever wanted them to. He had to kill him. Even if it was just to get his indifference back again.

Then they died. Isabel’s eyes vacant. Furlan’s body half missing. He wanted to kill the squad leader, let all of his problems and hatred die with him. But he yelled at him, his voice so deep and loud it could have shook the ground around them if it weren’t so soggy. Only the titans were the ones to blame. For everything. The underground. His friend’s deaths. Their comrades. The thousands before them...

He didn’t feel anything for a long time. He left part of himself out on that slaughter field. There had always been a detachment from certain things of the human experience, but he was off of the map now. He had become even more of an outsider to it all.

There was one night that he felt the pressure building up around him. Levi worried his lip between his fingers, debating what to do with himself. It had been over a year since they died. Wall Maria had fallen. The squad leader had become commander, and he had become captain. He felt the weight of silver pieces in his pocket, laced with a casual disregard for curfew. He left his quarters dressed in plain clothes, his eyes scanning the dark hallway briefly before quietly making his way toward the courtyard.

Before he could get there, the same familiar voice, the one he had decided to follow, boomed low and commanding behind him. “Levi.”

Levi stopped, his pocketed hands grabbing at the insides of his pants. The coins shuffled and chimed against each other. He slowly turned, eyes leveled at the commander’s expansive chest. He swallowed. “Erwin.”

“Do you have a moment?”

Levi wanted to say no, but he couldn’t think of an excuse as to otherwise. “Yeah, what do you want?”

They went to Erwin’s office. Levi noted that Erwin had locked the door behind them. He watched as the commander crossed the room and leaned against his desk, one leg over the other, arms folded against his chest. It was oddly casual. Levi slowly looked up Erwin’s body, the silver still heavy in his pocket. “Our next expedition has been funded.”

Levi wanted to look into Erwin’s eyes, but there was a stirring discomfort in his groin, so he chose to focus on his shoulder. “That’s good.” He shifted in his spot in the middle of the room. It was hard to listen when all he could think of was his cock deep in the back of some whore’s throat. “Is that all?”

Erwin hummed and nodded. “Yes.” Levi turned and started toward the door, his head shaking, annoyed by Erwin’s weird ways of wasting his time. His hand reached for the door handle as Erwin added, “What are the coins for?”

Levi stopped, feeling caught in a trap, wild and flailing in his own mind. The store on base had been closed for hours. There was no logical reason for him to be carrying money, especially when he had his own quarters. “I was going to play chips with some of the new recruits.”

“It’s past curfew.”

“You think that stops us?”

Erwin smiled and nodded. “Your clothes.”

Levi sighed. Yes, his clothes. There would be no reason for him not to be in uniform on base. Erwin knew Levi slept in most of his uniform, slouched on the the one lonely chair in his quarters. He was walking the halls in the intent of leaving base. Erwin had just given him a chance to be honest. “Yeah.”

Erwin swayed off of the desk. Levi saw the way his uniform jacket tightly wrapped around his arms, and his thick thighs pinched against the harness straps. “I’d prefer if you didn’t leave tonight, Levi.”

“Never said…”

Erwin was standing in front of Levi, his head bent down, Levi’s bent up. “We’re men, Levi.” He raised his hand, Levi noticing the slight hesitation before it landed on the side of his neck. It was hot, rough, and everything Levi had dreamed of since he first clashed steel against the man.

“Then you understand.”

Erwin lips went thin as if he were thinking. Levi wondered how long it had been since he got his dick wet. There were rumors that he helped fill the gaps in funding by bedding noblewomen, but that couldn’t be as fulfilling as the raw, wild sensation of owning a human being for ten minutes at time. “I suppose. I rather you do it here, though.” His thumb ran up to drag along his jawline.

Levi scoffed, his eyes struggling to keep on the commander’s. “You looking to chaperone me? I don’t need to be protected.”

“No, of course not.” Erwin said softly. His leg filled in the empty spot between them, and Levi gasped softly. “I’m only offering. You may do as you wish.” It was honest and to the point. An invitation to his body. So diplomatic, more talk than it ever had been with Furlan, but Levi wouldn’t have expected anything less.

There had been months of sidelong glances, of private, quiet moments between them. They had become as much friends as they could be without admitting it. Levi had chosen Erwin, just as much as Erwin had chosen him. Levi didn’t touch himself as much anymore, didn’t feel the claustrophobia as much since Isabel and Furlan’s deaths, but whenever he did, he imagined the commander’s cock deep in his ass, tearing him apart until he came behind flashes of stars.

Levi swallowed and nodded, the coins shaking as he dropped to his knees. He was hungry, so hungry for this, and his hands fumbled over buckles and belts and zippers until he freed Erwin’s cock and took it within his hand. His own need began to press against his pants, painfully aroused by the size of his commander, albeit it a little surprised by how much he underestimated it in his fantasies. Even on his knees, he had to arc his neck up to drag his tongue along the underside of it. He wrapped his mouth around it, felt it grow in his mouth, his head bobbing, cheeks hollowing, as his hands came up to grab onto Erwin’s hips.

Erwin groaned, and Levi returned, his guttural sounds reverberating through the commander’s cock and to his balls. Erwin placed a hand on the back of Levi’s head, fingers entangling in clean, silky hair. His hips rolled shallowly, his cock fully erect and wet with saliva and precum, his own fantasies coming true inside his captain’s small mouth.

His fist tightened around Levi’s hair, his arm pulling him forward to gag Levi on his length, grunting loudly as he moaned, “Fuck, Levi.” And he wanted to. He wanted to take the man and mark him, own him, be one with him. Just as they were on the battle field--extensions of each other--he wanted that here. Always.

Levi’s eyes were wide and begging when Erwin pulled Levi’s mouth off of his cock. Thin eyebrows set straight, he looked like he was pouting over the gesture. He grabbed Levi by the collar of his shirt, pulled him so he was standing. He bent down, mouth on his, hot and wet, and if Levi didn’t taste so damn good--like tea, and peppermint, and salt.

Levi had never kissed anybody... Not like this anyway. It drove him crazy. His hand grabbed at anything on Erwin--his jacket, his harness, that golden hair. He found himself rutting against Erwin’s exposed cock, practically jumping into the man’s lap until Erwin found the consent.

Erwin lifted him around his waist, turning awkwardly to drop onto the office couch, his lips still working against the captain’s. He worked his large hands to free buttons, had Levi pause briefly to pull his pants past his ass, several silver coins dropping from his pockets and sounding on the wood floor.

Levi was already licking his fingers, moving them down to his ass to stretch himself. He moaned against Erwin’s lips, his eyes rolling shut as he bucked against his own hand. Erwin brought a hand up between them and began stroking Levi. He felt so small in his hands, even though he was well endowed for the size of his body. He stroked as they kissed, nipped as his lips as he slicked precum down the captain’s shaft.

Levi shook violently. “No! Stop!” He had three fingers in, working to stretch himself out, but it was becoming too much. “I want to come with you in me.” For the first time, he felt a little rude for a thing he said to the commander.

“I want that too.” Erwin all but purred. He gently pulled Levi’s hand away, both of Levi’s arms coming up to wrap around his neck. Levi eased his body down, shivering at the size of Erwin’s cock against his ass, moaning as the tip sunk in. It was so much bigger than he expected, his fingernails digging into the soft skin of Erwin’s nape. “You’re so damn tight.”

Levi’s lips curled ever so slightly. He had never heard Erwin be so candid, so raw. He liked it. Easing more of Erwin’s cock into him, he gasped out, “Then you better loosen me up.”

The strokes were low and shallow at first. Levi was almost able to take all of the commander in him. They moved as one. Breathy and heavy, Levi’s head thrown back as his throat opened up and moaned. Had it ever been like this? Had it ever felt this good, meant this much? He slammed down into Erwin’s lap and repeated his name over and over. His teeth clamped onto Erwin’s bottom lip, his brows knitting tight as he quickened his pace.

All those nights spent in this office. The cups of tea they sipped until they grew cold. The small snippets of conversations that revealed the most microscopic of pieces to their entire personalities. The missions they had been on, the nights they had returned feeling guiltily relieved that the other was still alive. Those looks across the courtyard, across the mess hall, across the office…

Levi would die for this man, for this man he was meant to kill.

Erwin would die for this man, for this man he was meant to sacrifice.

Levi rolled curses off his tongue, his fingers gripping tightly at either side of Erwin’s face. “Touch me.” He almost whimpered, but it still had enough bite in it to hold some dignity. Erwin nodded against his neck, holding one hand on Levi’s hip to drive him hard into his lap, the other coming up to stroke Levi’s cock. Levi gasped, a few strokes beckoning him to release. “I’m going to come.” His chest filled with air, his forehead falling into the hollow of Erwin’s neck, his seed spurting across the front of Erwin’s shirt.

His hips kept rolling. One of Erwin’s hands came up to cradle Levi’s chin, to kiss him as he slowly drew Levi up and down his length, until his mouth fell ajar against his lover’s. “Me too…” He trailed, waiting for permission, and it did something to Levi that he couldn’t quite explain.

“I want it.” Levi whispered, clenching his ass and feeling Erwin’s cock twitch and pulse inside him, until it was warm and wet with his commander’s cum. They both moaned against each other, and Levi moved his hips, feeling the slickness of their sex along Erwin’s cock and dripping down between his legs.

“Thank you,” Erwin said to him. Levi was sat flush against him now, his cock still deep in him going soft.

Levi wasn’t sure for what. He had been the one out on the prowl to fuck something. Erwin had just been conveniently in the way and willing. Instead of saying words that he couldn’t think of to say, he just nodded into his neck. He contemplated leaving a kiss on the soft skin, but it was too intimate. Too desperate.

It didn’t stop Erwin from doing it, though.

Levi lifted his head, looked into those cloudy blue eyes, those ones that pierced him in his imagination. This had been different. He didn’t know how, didn’t particularly want to know how, but it had been. He shifted himself off Erwin’s lap, pulled his pants up and dropped to sit next to him on the couch. Erwin tucked himself back in, latched his buckles, and took a handkerchief from his pocket to clean himself off the best he could.

“I need a bath.”

“I can draw one in my quarters for you.”

Levi contemplated this. Yet another invitation. He had never been into the commander’s quarters before. He wondered how messy the room must be. He wondered if he had any special bath salts. He wondered what this would mean for them.

The coins his pocket were lighter, seemed to hold less necessity.

“Do whatever you want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This came out way longer than I wanted it to and thought about making it a separate thing... But I liked how many "firsts" it involved, so it's still perfect for this series.
> 
> Most of the reason for the length is that I'm still trying to learn how to write better sex scenes. :X


	6. About the Holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That time they share a year of holidays together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit, this was long too, but I absolutely love how it came out. So much. I hope you do too. Special thanks to my roommate for reading and offering suggestions. lol
> 
> They live some where in the New York tri-state area in this, because why not. So all holidays are American bank holidays.

They meet on New Year’s.

They are two men that don’t typically find themselves in bars--especially during the holidays. But they are single, and they both have things to forget, so they found themselves bumping into each other. Literally. Erwin grumbles, his expensive brandy having spilled across the front of his dress shirt. “Shit.”

“You clumsy oaf,” a voice sounds next to him. A small man, at least a foot shorter than Erwin, climbs onto the seat next to him. His head is heavy, his limbs loose, as if they weighed disportional to the size of his frame. It is clear he’s been here for awhile.

“Excuse me?” Erwin tries to control his voice, but he’s frustrated with himself. He wonders what he’s doing there, remembers briefly that situations like these were exactly why he left his drinking days back in his youth. Brows furrowed, he dabs a napkin to the growing stain on his chest.

“Oi. OI! Bartender!” The man slaps his hand on the counter a few times, rattling the glasses around him.

Oh great, he’s belligerent too.

“Get ‘nother one of whate’er this tall fuckin’ sack of bricks wa’ drinkin’.” He slurs. Swinging his head, he matches eyes with Erwin’s, his body leaning on the counter, the heels of his shoes hooked into the supports of his bar stool. “An’ get me ‘nother scotch. Put it on ‘is tab. He looks rich.” He laughs at himself.

Erwin finds himself saying the words again, sharper and just a little angry. “ _Excuse_ me?”

“Di’ you know,” the man leans in, his voice rolling low, lips curling around the liquor that’s buzzing through his body. He coughs. Erwin notices he smells of full tar tobacco and something nautical...  Sea salt? “Di’ you know… You can’t snore and dream at the same time?”

Erwin is about to get up and move away, but he pauses. His lips purse, then frown, until they finally end in an amused smirk. He places an elbow on the counter, his fist resting against his jaw, and his body turning to face his new friend. “Do you dream a lot?”

“All the time, eyebrows.” He slams down the rest of his scotch, and obnoxiously drops the glass to the table. “I don’ even need to be asleep.”

Midnight hit, and Erwin is tossed enough to let the man kiss him. It hurts when their lips part. He finds himself wanting them again, blaming the nicotine laced skin for their addictive nature. He leans in fifteen minutes later for another. Ten minutes, another. Two hours later, they are in his apartment, in the living room, because their bodies can’t wait long enough to make it to the bedroom. Sweating and moaning, their chests light, heads foggy. There’s the smell of sex carried through the scent of heavy alcohol. Even through his drunkenness, Erwin clearly feels the orgasm that shakes his body, hears the loud moan that escapes into the sweat sheened neck of this stranger. Just before passing out, he wonders if he’ll snore tonight, then drifts into a sleep as black and dreamless as he has ever known.

Erwin wakes in the morning, naked and on the couch, one leg poking out of the blankets and his foot flat on the wood floor. His drunken companion has already fled the scene, leaving nothing but a hangover, a phone number, and a name in his wake.

\---

“Don’t you fuckin’ dare.” He pulls apart a piece of his scone and shoves it into his mouth.

“We don’t have to, Levi.” They have been seeing each other rather consistently since that night, but only ever for breakfasts or dinners at various local shops. Erwin wants something more official… More ‘date’ like.

“Valentine’s Day is for insecure women and prostitutes.” Levi tugs at another piece of scone, decides against it, places it on his plate and picks up his tea to take a drink. “I’m neither.” He shoves the discarded piece of scone into his mouth and chews.

Erwin thinks on this for a moment, a smirk carving deep into his cheeks so that his one dimple shows. So crude and honest. Though, he is a little disappointed that he’ll need to cancel his dinner reservations for the holiday.

“Relationships are fucking stupid.” Levi nearly spits his food out as he says it.

It’s too early in their relationship for something so romantic anyway...

\---

Levi’s legs are draped over Erwin’s, his head resting on Erwin’s chest, their attention lazily focused on the television. Erwin’s fingers mindlessly trace the bones in Levi’s nape, moving up to pet the soft short hairs of his undercut.

“When are you going to clean up your fuckin’ apartment?” Levi’s eyes are trained on the TV, but his fidgeting tonight is clearly due to the clutter. It always is. Erwin’s learned that Levi likes organization, and tends to carry around a packet of disinfectant wipes in his back pocket anywhere he goes. Erwin’s apartment is small but modern, having been constructed in an old mill building. With loft ceilings and brick walls, the clutter of cardboard boxes stacked high against the tall windows only helped to exaggerate the mess. Even if the place were well decorated, nobody would be able to tell. Levi sighs, “It’s been months.”  
  
“We should travel somewhere this weekend. Go to the Poconos.” Erwin tries to change the subject.   
  
“It’s Memorial Day. It’s going to be crowded as hell with a bunch of other shitstains that think they enjoy the outdoors.” Levi scoffs, his legs twitching. “We should stay in and clean this damn place, or else I’ll stop coming over here.”

“Fine.”

Levi looks at him, dark eyes set and narrowed. “‘Fine’ to what?”

“I’ll see you at your place this weekend.”

\---

Erwin doesn’t bother asking about plans for Independence Days. He’s heard enough of Levi’s rants about what’s so damn wrong with this country, shouting at Erwin when he suggests he should probably run for office if he hates it so much. On top of that, he knows Levi eats like a bird, hates when people over indulge, and thinks fireworks are shit and overrated.

So instead, Erwin spends the day off boring holes with his eyes into the boxes stacked in his living room. His fingers cradle a cigarette he found between the couch cushions, the end of it burning away without him.

Levi is a booze induced distraction, one that has somehow weaseled his way into his life tasting like scotch and nicotine. He’s addicted now, but he craves more.

He flicks ashes onto the floor and snuffs the cigarette out on the glass surface of his coffee table.

\---

“By the way, don’t think I wasn’t going to comment on your idiot outfit today.”

“What? They say Labor Day is the last day you can wear white.” Erwin leans on the railing of the small boat, white shirt and slacks clean and pressed. His blond hair’s disheveled from their journey out into the bay, and his bangs are hanging in front of his sunglasses. Out in the Atlantic, the sun beats down on them harshly, and their skin grows tacky with a thin film of sea salt.

“You look like a failed navy commander.”

Erwin chuckles, “Well, at least I’m a commander.”

They’ve both grown tan over the summer, but Levi moreso. He’s always out on the sea. He says he likes coming out here to think... To feel free and untethered from it all. Erwin wonders if he comes out on his own. He had noted three life jackets under the seat compartments before they left. He’s never heard Levi speak of anybody else.

Levi pulls out a bottle of beer from the cooler and hands it to Erwin. “All I’m saying is you look…”

“Nice,” Erwin smirks, “I know.” He pops the cap off of his bottle and passes the opener to Levi.

Levi snorts. “Learn some humility for fuck’s sake, Smith.”

“That’s _Commander_ Smith to you. Admit it--you love me.” He chugs a throat full of beer, but nearly spits it out when he hears Levi’s response.

“Hah... Maybe.”

\---

Erwin texts Levi to let him know he’ll pick him up for dinner at seven.

 _L: I’m busy tonight_.

_E: Be ready._

_L: Asshole, what do you not understand about the word ‘busy’?_

_E: Seven on the dot._

Erwin arrives at 6:59, and Levi’s ready, wearing a pair of untailored slacks that hang a little bit too much over his second-hand dress shoes. A very apparent step up from his usual jeans and t-shirt attire. His fall weight jacket hangs large and loose on his shoulders, and a cigarette is hanging from the corner of his mouth. “Let’s go, you persistent bastard.”

They go to a famous German restaurant in town, famous only because it’s only one of its kind within a fifty mile radius. It’s Erwin’s favorite. He’d been going there since he was a kid.

They’re three pints in, and Erwin is starting on his second slice of chocolate cake when Levi says, “Slow down, old man. Your body doesn’t metabolize as well as it did when it was younger. I don’t want to have to roll your fatass out of here.”

Erwin musters a pout, his fork spearing another piece of cake. “I’m not going to get fat.”

“Another year older, and still dumb as a fucking brick.”

“Rome wasn’t built in a day,” Erwin says, sagely. He raises the fork to his face, the piece of cake slipping and falling to the table.

“What even…”

Erwin laughs, loud and booming that other people’s eyes wander to their table. The blush on Levi’s cheeks, his awkward birthday wish…

It was perfect.

\---

Levi stands in the corner of the room, his arms crossed, one hand holding a red cup near full of beer. He’s a statue of discomfort, tired eyes slowly scanning the living room full of costumed people he’s never met. He’s wearing a pair of cat ears on his head, but that’s all he agreed to do. Halloween is stupid, and so is everybody else that participates.

Erwin is nursing the same drink he’s had since the beginning of the night. He’s wearing a pair of floppy dog ears, and his nose is greased in black. He chats with Mike, humors Hange, and catches up with Nile. He keeps his eyes on Levi, watches the discomfort rising as the minutes pass on.

He walks over, the fang caps over his canines catching on his bottom lip as he talks. “We can go.”  
  
Levi stares at his chest, finally allowing his eyes to look up into Erwin’s. “I’m fine.”

Erwin’s lips press together. “Just let me say bye to everybody, okay?”

Levi sighs and nods, his fingers squeezing and cracking the plastic cup in his hand. They leave, and Erwin’s arm is around Levi’s shoulder as they walk home, sober and quiet.

“Mike has shit taste in alcohol.” Levi says quietly.

“It’s been like that since college. I don’t think he’ll ever change.”

“Ditch ‘im.”

Erwin chuckles softly. “He’s good otherwise, I promise.”

“Nile seems like a prick.”

“He… Well, he’s difficult, sure. Better drunk than he is sober.”

“And Hange…” Levi leans into Erwin, his arm wrapping around the taller man’s waist, fingers slipping in between his belt and pants. “What the fuck were they high on?”

Erwin laughs and says, “Life.”

Levi gives Erwin a withering look. Erwin does his best to take it seriously until Levi slowly turns away, facing forward. Erwin does the same. Secretly, they both smile.

They’re quiet until they’re a block away from Levi’s apartment. “They’re all right.”

Erwin smiles and kisses the top of his head.

\---

They both don’t make plans for Thanksgiving until the Tuesday before. It seems they did well dancing around the subject, until the outside pressure from coworkers and friends drew them to talk about it.

“You going anywhere for Thanksgiving?”

Levi lives on a teacher’s wage. He resides in a small dated studio, but it’s practical. Always immaculately cleaned. Erwin knows Levi loves his boat--has a certain affair with all things nautical. The single decoration in the common area is a wooden anchor hung above his futon. He loves cooking as well, and has a relatively expensive assortment of cook and serveware. Levi pulls spaghetti from the large cooking pot and drops it onto a plate. He shakes his head, his gloomy expression deceiving his words, “Hell no.”

Erwin wants to pry, but he feels like they may have similar situations. He has no offer to propose as a rebuttal. It’s a realization that sinks into the bottom of his gut. “Ah,” is all he can think of to say.

“I make a pretty good cornish hen.” Levi spoons some homemade tomato sauce onto the piles of pasta.

“I’ve made mashed potatoes before.” Erwin receives his plate, a weak smile on his face. “Once.”

“You aren’t touching shit in this kitchen, eyebrows.”

“Sure thing, captain.”

When he comes on Thursday he brings a store bought pumpkin pie and a bottle of wine. They eat cornish hens, creamed spinach, and steamed vegetable medley on the common room floor.

\---

Erwin picks up Levi on Christmas Eve. It wasn’t planned, and Levi needs to get changed out of his pajamas before they head out.

On the passenger’s side floor is a bouquet of flowers. Levi curls up next to the door, not wanting to touch them. He tries to ignore the feeling in his stomach, hoping desperately they aren’t for him. But Erwin doesn’t go to pick them up, doesn’t move to present them. Instead, they’re driving, and neither makes the first move to talk.

The silence goes on for minutes, almost an hour, until Erwin pulls into what looks like a driveway. It isn’t until Levi sees the headstones poking through mounds of snow that he realizes they’re in a graveyard. He sits up, looking around until Erwin slows and puts the car in park. Levi moves his leg as Erwin grabs the bouquet from next to him. They don’t look at each other. The silence is heavy and deliberate, but it asks for nothing.

Levi watches as Erwin exits the car and trudges through the foot of piled snow, his long wool peacoat licking against the chilly air like a cape. He watches as Erwin bends down and places the flowers on the headstone. He watches as he bows his head.

It takes him long time, too long he feels, to finally open the door and follow behind. He steps into the deep footprints left behind by Erwin, snow piling in and melting into his ill-prepared shoes. His arms are spread out wide to hold his balance, and he lands one heavily onto Erwin’s back just as he’s about to fall face first. He steadies himself and steps to Erwin’s side, his heart dropping as he reads the headstone.

 _Roderich Ezra Smith_.

Levi notes the date, sees it’s only been a year. The boxes. The boxes, the drunken New Year’s, the quiet Thanksgiving. He reaches down and slips his fingers between Erwin’s, and tugs his arm slightly. He looks up briefly and sees the tear tracks on Erwin’s face but doesn’t say anything.

Erwin squeezes his hand, and they head back to the car, the whistling of the wind between naked branches singing them out.

\---

“Oi. Wake up.” Levi shakes Erwin’s shoulder, and the bigger man snorts awake.

“What…”

“Wake up and a take a shit. We have places to be today.”

“But it’s Christmas.” Erwin protests sleepily. Again, they had made no plans for the day. Besides having the day off, he figured they were going to treat today like any other day.

“Just fucking do it?” The sting of Levi’s words is softened with lips against Erwin’s temple.

It takes Erwin almost an hour to get ready. The size of the shower stall in Levi’s apartment has always been difficult due to the sheer broadness of his body. He manages, gets out and shaves the stubble off his cheeks. He pulls on the red and green plaid shirt he had brought and ties a satin green bow tie around his neck. When he leaves the bathroom, Levi actually smiles a light toothy grin.

If there were ever a Christmas present Erwin could ask for, he got it right there.

“Are you serious right now?”

“You don’t like it?” Erwin eyes Levi in his ridiculous Christmas sweater, a giant smile on his face as well. “What about you?”

Levi doesn’t say anything, simply sways into his body and wraps his arms around him. He takes Erwin’s hand and brings it to his face, kissing a knuckle before saying, “We’re going to go see Furlan and Isabel.”

“Who?”

“My friends. Well, I guess they’re more like family.” There’s a hesitation in his voice. Erwin wants to tell him he doesn’t have to talk about it. “I did something really… Stupid. Something selfish. I fucked up real bad, Erwin… We haven’t talked in over a year.”

Erwin doesn’t pry. Doesn’t ask if those life vests were theirs, if they’re the only friends--the only people--he’s ever been able to care about. “Do they know we’re coming?”

“Isabel said there’s more than enough ham.”

Erwin finds out that day that Levi’s birthday is on Christmas.

\---

They go to the same bar they met at for New Year’s, but they both only get beers for the entirety of the night.

“Do you remember what you said to me.”

“Eh?”  
  
“You were pretty hammered, so probably not.”

“What did I say?” Levi takes a sip of his beer, looking curiously over at Erwin. In the dark lighting of the bar, he could see why he would have sniffed out Erwin Smith in his drunken haze. Those cheekbones, those damn cheekbones.

“That you can’t snore and dream at the same time.”

The corners of Levi’s lips lift slightly. “I wonder if that’s true.”

“You said you dream.” And Erwin knew now that Levi didn’t snore, so if it were true, he dreamed a lot. But that’s not what he’s talking about.

Breathing in deep, his fingers twirling a straw between them, Levi says. “Yeah sure. Nothing big, though.”

Erwin takes a larger gulp from his pint, sets it down and thinks of what next. They started off so hot, then their relationship grew so quietly. It was like leaving a boiling pot on the stove, and returning to have it at a simmer. He didn’t know how they got here. He didn’t know when he started loving Levi. “I always wanted to make him proud. That’s what sons are supposed to do, right?”

Levi looks up at him, emotional in his own emotionless way.

“I did it all. Got the education. Got the job. Got the money. Saved it all until I felt like I had enough for a family.” Erwin was staring off at the bottles of liquor along the back of the bar. “Before I knew it, I was old. Too old to raise a family, anyway.”

Levi’s voice is quiet. “You’re not that old, old man.”

Erwin’s mouth quirks. “Too old for him to be happy. We fought a lot. We were both too stubborn to apologize. Then he got cancer…” He sighs, palming his face in his hand. “I regret a lot, Levi. I regret not seeing him before he passed.”

Levi finds his throat dry, takes another sip of his drink to wet it. “Do you regret anything else?”

Erwin turns his head, catches those stormy eyes, searches them for answers. Every day with Levi was a surprise, a new day to learn something about the world, something about him, something about himself. They grew together in faint murmurs, tangled together in trust that requires little explanation. Together, they just _were_.

The bar around them began to get roudy, the final countdown of the year blearing against the walls. Erwin leans in, his lips brushing against Levi’s, cloudy eyes half lidded. “Taking you home was a choice I’ll never regret.”

They kiss, and it feels just as addicting as the first time, and they fall in love all over again as the ball drops into the New Year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never thought of Levi as being particularly nautical, but I think I kinda like it in the terms of a modern AU. Gives that sort of "open air" feeling to him. I dunno. Maybe I'm just an idiot (probably).
> 
> Erwin's dad's name stolen from rivai-lution's [Gilded by Night](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1079659/chapters/2169746) fic. Please read. It good.


	7. About Mike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That time Erwin hazes Mike.

Mike Zacharias has an amazing sense of smell.

This particularly odd trait has proven to be an asset to the Survey Corps. He can smell titans before they’re visible, allowing him to assist in saving lives out on expeditions. He can smell when food in the kitchens have spoiled, allowing the cooks to get the most out of their dwindling ration funds.

However, it is an unfortunate trait sometimes when it comes to people’s daily dealings.

He’s on his way to Commander Erwin’s office. A shipment of fresh maneuvering gear has just arrived, the first in nearly three months, and Erwin insisted in being informed as soon as possible. They need to get the new recruits outfitted and practiced--they leave on a new expedition in three days time.

Mike raps a knuckle against the Commander’s door, only opening it when he hears the affirmative beckon. He cracks the door open, begins to step in, his nose flaring as he does. His eyes snap to the commander seated at his desk, quill pen scrawling across the papers on his desk. Erwin makes no immediate acknowledgement of him, so he says quickly, “I can come back later, sir.”

Erwin pauses and looks up, his fingers flexing along the pin of the quill minutely. “Zacharias. No, please. Come in.”

Mike breathes out quietly, and he reluctantly pushes the door open more and strides into the center of the room. He stands at attention, his right hand up against his chest in a salute as he delivers his information. “The supplies have arrived, sir. We have people on duty distributing the 3D gears to the new recruits.” Erwin’s eyebrows twitch down ever so slightly, his lips going tight for a millisecond. “Nanaba is already in the courtyard setting up training regiments.”

“Very good. Thank you, Mike. You are dismissed.”

With a nod, Mike eases out of salute and turns to leave. However, before he reaches the door, he takes a deep breath and turns to face his commander again. They have been soldiers for years, and through most of that time, they’ve been soldiers together. It was a luxury many soldiers didn’t have--soldiers you could call friends.

He does not appreciate being hazed, though.

“Permission to speak bluntly, sir.”

“Granted.”

His eyes narrow, focusing not on Erwin, but on Erwin’s desk. “You’re an asshole.” With that, he leaves, closing the door behind him.

Erwin puts down his pen, finally letting a moan pass his lips, his fingernails digging into the wood grains of his desk. He pushes his chair back, his hooded eyes gazing down at the man crawling out of the recess of his desk.

“I agree with him.” Levi says. Erwin hums contently, stupidly. “You’re an asshole.”

Erwin pulls Levi up by his cravat, the small man losing balance and finding himself practically in his commander’s lap. Erwin drags a tongue up from Levi’s jaw to his cheek, licking splatters of himself off of rose scented skin.

Levi scoffs behind a shiver. “And a pervert.”

Erwin smiles against his cheek, lazy and content. “They certainly are not mutually exclusive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry


	8. About Dancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That time Levi retired.

Levi misses it.

He misses it every day, and sometimes he can barely even manage to get out of bed because he misses it so damn much.

On those days, every motion comes out gracefully, fluidly. Arms still strong, legs still thick, chest still broad. He reaches for a plate in the cupboard, his toes pointing, his hand sweeping up and grabbing the dinnerware. He glides with one turn, hair falling before his eyes, as he places it on the counter.

Erwin watches him over his newspaper. He has a tablet, but he enjoys the feeling of paper in his fingers. He’s been called old fashioned more than once in his lifetime.

The toast pops making Levi jump a little. Every morning he has toast, and every time he jumps. He’s always on edge, especially after he retired.

“Morning, darling.” Erwin says. It’s tired and soft, but it still has love in it. Somewhere.

Levi nods an acknowledgement, but says nothing. He feels he may choke if he speaks. So instead, he butters his toast and grabs a banana. He eyes Erwin, the dining table, the newspaper, their home, before deciding to stay at the counter to eat.

The heat kicks on, and Levi twitches again, his mouth moving to slowly chew his toast. The radiator clinks and groans, and he feels like he can relate. This old house, once renovated long before they bought it, but they have a decade’s worth of remodeling to catch up on. He wants to mention he picked out paint yesterday, wants to say he started the moulding in the spare room, but he just traces the edge of his plate with his eyes.

Erwin folds his paper and leaves it on the dining table. Levi will pick it up and put it in the recycling after he clips the coupons and reads the arts section. The chair squeals beneath him against century old wood floors, and he goes to the kitchen. He swigs the rest of his coffee, and places the mug and plate into the sink. His hands grip the counter edge briefly, knuckles flashing white, jaw growing tight. Sighing out of his nose, he turns to Levi and places a hand on his husband’s hip.

Levi stiffens, his chewing stops and his eyes go wide. 

They don’t touch much. They don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore. Levi can’t. He just…

Erwin leans down, goes to leave a kiss on his husband’s cheek, to show him that he can love him if he would just let him… But Levi turns his head. Erwin breathes a sigh out again and straightens. He removes his hand, stands next to Levi looking down at him, not on him, and turns to leave into the foyer.

Levi stands at the counter, feeling the ache in his muscles, the pain in his feet, the emptiness inside his heart. He wants to feel it again, he wants to feel it all again. He spins on the ball of his foot and watches Erwin down the hallway. Erwin’s putting on his shoes, his blond hair falling softly into his eyes--eyes that are wrinkled with crow’s feet and deep set with too many nights alone. 

Levi opens his mouth to say something, to tell him he loves him… He just doesn’t love himself. He supposes he never has. But the dancing helped. It used to help. That’s gone now and he can’t.

He just…

“I’ll be home late,” Erwin says, eyes focused on tying his dress shoes. “I’ll find something to eat.”

Levi nods.

Erwin looks up, and although they wear masks, his default one looks sad now. He never used to look like that. He used to be strong, stoic. Handsome. “I love you.” 

He’s old now.

Levi nods again. He’s old too, too old to dance. Maybe too old to love. They aren’t grey, they don’t have paper skin, but he can’t dance and that…

Erwin picks up his briefcase and rests a hand on the doorknob. He gives one last lingering gaze back at his beautiful, small, graceful, smart, and terribly broken husband. He nods back and leaves the house.

The radiator keeps clicking. Levi doesn’t finish his toast. He slips to the floor staring at the front door until the sun fades away and his eyes grow too sore and raw from tears.

He used to dance. He can’t anymore. And he is nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired entirely by [kusuriuri](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kusuriuri/pseuds/kusuriuri), specifically their piece "[We are getting old, but I still love you (even when I don't)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6559525)". I just adore the idea of dancing Levi... And also a Levi that just loses everything when he can't do it anymore.


	9. About Dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> that time life becomes a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> manga spoiler from chapter 80+. do not read if you aren't caught up and care about spoilers!!!!

Erwin swallows down his fear like an aged brandy. It kicks the back of his throat tasting faintly of every meal he ever ate, every drink he ever drank.

Now is not the time to feel. Now is the time to lead.

They’re crying around him--his men. Some have even shit themselves before they’ve had the decency to die. Dignity gets lost when you know you’ll die within the hour. The half hour. The minute. 

But they follow him.

Every.

Single.

One.

**RAGE, MY SOLDIERS.**

The sound of hundreds of hooves hitting the ground resound like thunder. There is no rain, there aren’t even any clouds. The sky is so blue, so blue he sees his father’s eyes looking back at him. Sees the pride reflecting back at him. Such a smart boy. Too smart for his own good.

Erwin can smell the dirt, the grass, the pollen of spring flowers. There’s an open window and a vase of dandelions on the sill. The sun catches the petals. It’s all yellow and blue and white. He can taste the colors like vinegar, see the sounds of sparrows chirping from the branches of the tree he used to climb, feels the inky words of the book in his hands weighing down his fingers until they snap back at the knuckles.

He can see clearly, the plains before him, plains he hasn’t seen in over five years. They’re beautiful. They’re  _ so _ beautiful.

**SCREAM, MY SOLDIERS.**

A death wail. 

The knife is against their throat, they feel the steel pressing against their skin. It sears through them, their esophagus cracking open and pushing air out through the bleeding slit. It sounds like cartilage and sinew breaking, gargled and raspy and unanimous. They are going to die. They’ll die together, but they are all going to die.

Erwin raises his flare gun, pulls the trigger, pulls the trigger against the head of each one of his men. Over the sounds of their horses and their own screams is the sounding pops of flares going off, like fireworks. Gunpowder, sulfur, steel, dirt, pollen. His arms around his knees on the hill watching fireworks with his mother. She has a hand on his shoulder. He feels her warmth as she embraces him in the darkness.

He thinks of how little he knew his mother, his voice crescendoing until he swears his throat with ignite.

He’s in the front, he can see the plains, the sky, the quietness of the nature around them. 

He can see the Beast Titan throwing his arm back.

**FIGHT, MY SOLDIERS.**

Erwin feels light, like he’s flying. He knows what flying is like--they all do. He’s tumbling and he sees the ground rush at him and he lands hard enough to feel his ribs crack and taste the blood well in his mouth.

There’s a coursing inferno on his side, and he remembers the feeling of losing his arm, and this is like that,  _ it’s just like that _ . He knows he’s bleeding. He’s bleeding so much, and a shadow of a horse leaps over him before they too tumble a few feet in front of him. They’re still charging after he fell. They’re continuing without him. Flares popping, the black haze floating down above him like a supernatural fog.

His men.

It hurts so damn much to move, but he allows himself the pain to feel, because at least for now, he’s alive. He sweeps his head up, sees the line of titans falling through the haze, and he feels the pain. All of it. His throat opens up but it chokes, it sobs under the thunder of hooves and the wailing of men. He’s drowning in his own shadow of death, and he knows that now is the only time he can let it out.

The basement, his father, his mother, Marie. The things he’s done, the men he sacrificed. They were worth it. They were worth it to get here. Humanity can have a chance without him. So why does it hurt so much? Is this how they felt when they died for him? Thousands of them, faces upon faces throughout the years. He never knew…

Mike, Nanaba, Hange, Levi…

Levi…

He feels tears, and they’re the hottest for him. He tries to shout for him. He wants Levi to know. He has to know. Does he know? 

**MY SOLDIER.**

The darkness drifts up to him like a warm bath. His limbs tangled with Levi’s as they wash the blood that doesn’t evaporate from their skin. There’s a quietness in his quarters as they think of the soldiers they lost that day. They’re not grieving, because they never have time to grieve, but they’re planning. What could they have done better to reduce casualties? How many were necessary? Levi kisses his chest, takes his one hand in his and eases Erwin into himself.

Erwin’s eyes open and he’s on the wall looking down for the first time, for the last time. Levi’s there. They’re looking out on it together, alone. Levi looks at him and the moon shine carves a sharp corner next to his lips. He’s smiling, and Erwin is too. They’re alone, and they say silent words that drift on the evening air. Levi takes the brooch and puts it in his pocket, and he looks like he’s about to say something but he doesn’t. It had been Erwin’s mother’s. It said enough.

He hears crying. He always hears crying. In the battlefield, on the training grounds, in the hallways, in the privy. He never hears Levi cry, but he sees it. Rare, but heart wrenching. So vulnerable and ashamed, he brings his hands to his eyes and shouts at Erwin to leave him alone.  _ Just fuck off, old man _ . Erwin never wanted to protect something so much. Never loved anything so much.

Even humanity was difficult to love more when somebody like Levi existed.

**RANTING AND RAVING LIKE A BUNCH OF CHILDREN.**

He’s drifting in and out. Death feels so warm, and it’s so inviting. It’s like falling to sleep after a long expedition. He won’t wake, he knows that. Not this time. But maybe that’s ok. He’d seen so… much… Too... much….

Levi’s voice is distant. Commanding. Strained. He knows. He knows Levi, and he knows when his voice is betraying his mask. They’re fighting. Who’s fighting? Is he fighting? Where are his men? Did they win? Why was… He… Ah. So tired…

Somebody lifts his arm and it’s so gentle. Levi. Levi are you there? There’s a grip now, but he almost doesn’t feel it. He’s so numb… It’s…

Teacher… Father… Titans… Remember. Remember. Memories. Levi. He’ll… Even in hell… He could be eaten a thousand… times… and he’d never… Ever…

Forget…

Levi.

“Erwin… I promised you…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have another fic of levi putting erwin to rest if you poke through my fics (gold to red).
> 
> thanks for reading and commenting. i am having a lot of fun with these. :)


	10. About Armin (in the military)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That time Erwin and Levi think about the future.

“What do you think about Armin?” Erwin asks, arms folded behind his rigidly straight back. He’s all commander out here on the training ground. His eyes are set cooly, paying intently to all his men, makes quiet notes of where his plan’s strengths and weaknesses will lie with each one of them. He’ll note on his charts later, figure out who will fit best in which formation. Pieces in a game of chess, fruitlessly chasing checkmate. But Erwin still believes that, together, they will be the gears that make this machine move one step closer to humanity’s freedom.

Levi shifts onto one leg, his head tilted to the side and his arms crossed over his chest. He fills the empty space of Erwin’s right arm. “He’s one of the weakest brats we got.” 

Erwin nods solemnly. “Yes, indeed he is.”

“But he’s smart as hell. Smarter than you.”

This makes Erwin smile slightly.

“He’s saved our asses more than a few times. There’s no doubt that there was something in the water he was drinking in Shinganshina. It would have been nice if somebody had given some of it to Eren, though.”

The smile reaches Erwin’s eyes, though he doesn’t break his gaze from his men.

“You’ve read my reports.” Levi says.

Erwin nods. “Yes.”

“That should say it all.”

“The reports are full of technicalities. I’m asking you what you think of Armin Arlert. Frankly.”

Levi rests his legs apart slightly, places one hand on his hip and the other at his thigh. One of the newer recruits cries out as he’s slapped on the knuckle with the blunt edge of a snapblade. “He’s innovative. Quick thinking. He sees things differently, so he’s always able to assess situations that the enemies can’t. He’s self sacrificial to the point of being suicidal.” He huffs. “He reminds me of someone I know.” Levi looks up at Erwin with an unconvincing sneer on his face.

“Does it now?”

“You fuckin’ shitbag.”

Erwin lowers his commander mask along with his eyes. His teeth show as he smiles down at his captain. “Walk with me. I have to run one last check on the first set of carts.”

They head out of the training courtyard. All of headquarters is abuzz with bodies. There’s a tension in the air that rattles the stone walls and the cobbled ground. They leave for Shinganshina in the morning, and it takes all Erwin has to not let his own anxiousness bleed through his demeanor.

“He killed a man.” Erwin says, finally.

“They all have.”

“He was the first, though.”

“Mikasa did as well.”

“I believe there’s a difference.” Erwin comes to a stop, checks the clipboard attached to the first cart and reviews the contents. When he’s satisfied at what he sees, he moves to the next one.

Levi doesn’t deny it. “There is. Mikasa is an Ackerman. She doesn’t have enough in her heart to let a man’s blood on her hands slow her down.”

“How did he handle it?”

Erwin’s looking at Levi now. The bustling around them seems to melt away. Levi can see there’s something behind those blue eyes, an unrest that they had to send their youngest men to do a job not even a grown man should have to do. Not when there’s titans to be fighting. “Not well. But if he didn’t, Jean would be dead. I’m not sure if he did the right thing in the big fuckin’ scheme of things or whatever, but he did the right thing for the Survey Corps. He helped humanity that day.”

“He lost a bit of his own.” Erwin signs another clipboard before he moves on.

“The pot callin’ the kettle black or some shit.”

Erwin’s lips go thin as he nods.

“So,” Levi starts, trotting behind Erwin to the next cart. “What do  _ you _ think about him?” Levi asks, trying to catch Erwin’s eyes.

“I think he’s the future of the Survey Corps.” Erwin’s words are like a hot pan, and Levi’s whole body flinches when they come pouring down on top of him. “I want to push him in this expedition. I ask that you do the same.”

Erwin’s eyes finally meet Levi’s, and Levi wants to say something. He wants to joke about how this sounds like a verbal will, but even his heart isn’t strong enough to weather that kind of truth.

They linger. They have become fluent in the language of the air between them, but Levi wants to say something to break it. To introduce the foreign words, to shake Erwin into seeing that there’s more dazzling and wonderful things for him to see in this world. That they can create a new language that speaks to fire water, lands of ice, and fields of sand.

He’s starting to think like a brat. But… It doesn’t need to end so soon.

That night, Levi can’t sleep. He still smells the sex on them, feels the phantom of every tender touch that sang love songs across his skin. Erwin had worshiped him, and he did the same. Hours melted away and he’s left with the empty hollow in his chest, his fist wrapped around stiff bed sheets. He longs to touch the blond hair on his commander’s cheek, brush it away and feel the warmth of his skin, feel the tingle of his stubble against his fingertips. Instead he wraps his arms around his knees and watches the steady rise and fall of Erwin’s chest. 

How many more will he be able to take?

“Go to sleep, Levi.” Erwin’s eyes lazily peek open, but it’s obvious that he hasn’t slept either.

Levi’s fingers dig into his bare kneecaps. He breathes out, lets his words tumble out with it. “He can’t replace you.”

Erwin props himself up with his left arm, seeming to be fully aware now. “Levi…”

They both want to say the words. The words are always in the air, so heavy that they breathe it every day. So bodily, that if you blew flour onto it, they would appear like spectral figures… But they can never say them outloud. Not now. Not ever.

Erwin sits up and pulls Levi into him, into his chest that is still warm and with a heart that is still beating. Levi buries his face into it, feels Erwin as he expands with a deep breath, feels the hesitation as it slips back out, and he knows… He knows there’s tears, and that’s fine, because he has six years worth of them himself ready to rain down for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really love armin (sorry not sorry), and i'm rereading through 'the uprising' through 'return to shinganshina', and the shit erwin says about armin just melts my dumb stupid heart.
> 
> and i just want them to be in pain and hurting so i made this. lol


	11. About Trust (in a foreign country)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> that time that levi loses something important.

Levi watches the back of the train rush off, remembers every little thing he’s ever done wrong, for all thirty-five years of it, feels it solidify and fall straight through his body. “Fuck.” He says, quietly at first. He feels gutted, feels his mind floundering like a fish on shore. “Fuck.” It’s louder now, his eyes growing wide. “ _Fuck_.”

“What is it?” Erwin is several paces away, stopping as he hears his husband curse above the chatter and announcements on the train platform.

“Fucking fuck. Shit.” Levi’s trotting down the long end of the platform, toward a train that he can’t even see anymore. “ _Shit!_ ” He bends and puts his hands on his knees, shakes his head and groans loudly.

Erwin walks up and places two large steady hands onto Levi’s shoulders. He pulls the smaller man to stand up again, brings Levi’s back against him and bends so his lips are near his ear. “What’s wrong, darling?”

The gestures, the tenderness, none of it did anything to quell the panic. Levi drags his fingers down against the skin of his cheeks, and he’s shaking so much it rattles in his voice. “Our passports. I fucking… The bag. I didn’t grab the bag.”

Erwin gently turns Levi to face him. He cups his husband’s small face in his hands, sees the tears burning his eyes red and welling at the corners. They break and pour down around his fingers. “Calm down. You forgot the bag, you said?”

“Yes!” It comes out a little shrill, and he shrinks into his neck, embarrassed and pissed off and distraught all in one. “Yes.” His eyes downcast as more unintentioned tears cascade down his cheeks.

Erwin stands up straight, runs his hand against the backside of Levi’s head and draws him close to his chest. His hand pets the soft hair of his undercut. “It’s all right. We’ll figure it out.”

“What if we don’t? How will we get home? What about the kids? We never should have fucking left. I told you it was too soon after havin’ them to go on vacation. Now we’re never gonna see them again.” His voice goes muffled against Erwin’s peacoat, and he looks up at Erwin when he feels his husband laughing at him. “What the fuck, Erwin. This is serious! How’re gonna get home!”

“You are being dramatic.”

“Imagine Eren’s face when Uncle Mike needs to tell him that his daddies are never comin’ home.”

Erwin’s lips pucker in mock sadness. “I guess he’ll just need to get new ones?”

Levi slaps a hand on his broad chest, pushes him with enough force that Erwin has to balance himself. “You’re such a fucking _asshole_ sometimes.” He stomps towards the exit, pushing his way toward the walking side of the escalator.

“What are you doing, darling?” Erwin calls after him.

“Gonna find a way home, dickhead.”

“But you don’t speak Japanese!”

“ _I’ll learn_.” Levi says, but it’s so quiet that Erwin doesn’t hear it.

\---

He doesn’t learn.

Instead, he has been berating the poor attendant at the information desk for nearly five minutes before Erwin finally finds him through the crowd. He’s relieved for the amount of English signs throughout the concourse, but it still took him several minutes to locate his small husband. He cuts in front of the line of tourists to reach Levi, who seems to have been making a scene.

“She won’t fuckin’ help me.” Levi growls. He slams his fist on the counter, making the woman behind the counter jump a little.

“It’s not her fault. She doesn’t understand what you’re saying.”

“But…” Erwin puts a hand on Levi’s shoulder and pulls the both of them out of line. He gestures the next person to go ahead of them as his eyes lock with the smaller man’s. They don’t say anything. Levi’s breathing is quick, his eyes frantic, pupils dilated. Levi barks again, “We’re fucked, Erwin!”

“It’s inconvenient, but we aren’t _fucked_.” Erwin smiles, and it relaxes Levi’s shoulders a bit. “If you want to be fucked, we can can make that happen tonight.” He kisses Levi’s sweaty forehead, tastes the salt on his lips, and laughs a little. Levi is smiling when he pulls away. With the back of his knuckle, he runs his finger down Levi’s cheek. “We picked the best country to lose something like this in, you know. All we have to do is figure out where that train ended, and they should be able to bring the bag to a lost and found. The chances of somebody stealing it is slim.” He cradles Levi’s chin in his thumb and forefinger. “Okay?”

Levi pouts up at him.

“We’ll be able to see Eren, Armin, and Mikasa again, you silly shrimp. They don’t need to find new daddies. They’re stuck with us whether they like it or not.”

Levi nods shallowly. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Erwin is pulling out his phone, starts typing into it as he goes back into line. “This trip was getting boring.”

“You’ve been having more fun than me, you liar.” Levi walks up, wraps his arm around Erwin’s and rests his head on his bicep.

Erwin brings the phone to his mouth and says: “We lost our passports in a blue bag on the train going toward Tokyo Station.” He sets the screen back and nods with a sense of accomplishment. They walk to the counter, and Erwin reads off the romanji on the screen, stumbling over pronunciation, but the attendant nods as she follows along. She pulls out some paperwork, gestures for his phone so she can use the translator as well.

“You fuckin’ genius.” Levi whispers next to him.

“It’s the best I could think to do.”

They make a few more messages this way, using the phone as a sort of rosetta stone, broken descriptions and instructions exchanging between them. They are going to email and call if they find anything. She estimates it will only be a few hours, that train runs on a loop and they may not be able to find anything until it goes out of service. Of course, if some kind civilian passes it in before then, they’ll know.

Levi is so giddy by the news that it’s hard for him to keep his hands off Erwin.

“What would I do without you?” Levi laces their fingers together, pulls Erwin so close that he nearly has to crouch as they walk.

“You’d be stuck here forever, I wager.”

“Yeah, probably. I’d miss you, though.”

“Would you now?”

“Well, like, for a couple of minutes. Then I’d just be happy to have a bed that didn’t smell like farts all the time."

“That’s not all me. Eren helps too.”

“God, that fuckin’ kid… You’re all kids.” Levi stops them in the middle of the sidewalk, lips wide in a grin, and leans up to kiss his husband. “I love you.”

Erwin smiles against lips that he kisses again, lips that he promised to kiss for the rest of his life. “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a dream that i was in france and i left my purse on the train but i went back into the train to grab something from it and left again and was like "wait my purse is still on there" and i started arguing with an attendant but i couldn't understand what she was saying and i was just so mad
> 
> and i thought of eruri toward the end because my purse irl has eruri on it so then this happened
> 
> and i'm not fucking SORRY because I NEED TO WRITE SOME DAMN FLUFF DAMMIT AND I JUST WANT THEM TO SAY I LOVE YOU SOMETIMES OK *breathes heavily*


	12. About Pet Names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> that time armin doesn't want to wear a jacket.

“Erwin Smith’s office.”

As children often do, they lost the possession from their parents when misbehaving. “Your son wants to talk to you.”

Erwin leaned back in his chair, the cord of the phone swaying like a tiny suspension bridge from him to his husband. He didn’t keep his cellphone on him during the work day, and Levi did a pretty good job of calling him when he was bored at home. “I’m busy, darling. Can’t you…”

“I tried to get his jacket on him, but he wouldn’t stop complaining that I was putting it on wrong.” There was a ruckus on the other end accompanied by a screaming cry. “Armin,  _ please _ .” The phone cracked and gurgled, and his voice could be heard distantly as the crying hiccuped and wailed again. A rustle came across the receiver again as Levi brought it back to his face. “He says I don’t do it like Papa Bear does.” Levi’s voice was wounded. Out of the three kids, Armin took the most to Erwin. Levi was the one that was always around the kids, though. Being a stay at home dad for the past year, growing into being the caretaker, he didn’t openly admit that it hurt when all three of them didn’t trust in him completely. “He missed the bus, and I can’t get him to just…”

“Did you button from the bottom up?”

“Yes!” Levi said, his voice breathy, as if the answer was so bloody obvious.

“Papa!” Armin screamed from the other end.

“Talk to him, Erwin.”

Erwin fanned a stack of paperwork on his desk, breathing out quietly through his nose. He had too much work to do, but there was still a smile on his face. He loved his family more than he could even comprehend possible. “Put him on.”

There was another rustle and tiny, heavy breaths fluttered across the phone. “Papa!”

“Good morning, my corn muffin. What’s wrong?” Erwin’s voice was soft and careful. Calm and unstirring as a frozen pond.

“Daddy tried to...” Armin paused to breathe, the tears evident on his voice, so overwhelmed with emotion that it twisted Erwin’s heart. “Daddy tried to put my jacket on but he was doing it wrong and I told him he was but he wouldn’t listen and I told him how you do it but he didn’t!”

“Daddy’s just trying to help.”

“But I want  _ you _ to do it!”

“Honey, I can’t be there. Papa’s at work.” There was a wailing again, and Erwin pinched his fingers to the bridge of his nose. He could almost feel Levi doing the same in response. “Armin, do you remember what the doggie did in the book you read last night?”

Armin’s breathing was heavy, gurgled with snot and raspy from screaming. “Y-yeah.”

“What did he do?”

“H-he… Let the other doggies play with his ball and he made friends.”   
  
“That’s right. Weren’t you going to bring in your toys to school today to show your friends?”

“... Yeah.”

“Well, you can’t go to school unless you put your jacket on.”

There was silence on the other line. “Can I button it myself? Like you do?”

“Of course, honey.”

“Can I go to the library too?”

“You’ll have to ask daddy.”

The phone rustled, and Armin’s voice, distant but noticeably more bubbly relayed the question. “He said yes!”

Erwin smiled, and nodded to himself. “Make sure you get something that your brother and sister will enjoy.”

“Okay!”

“Can you put daddy back on the line?”

“Uh-huh. I love you, Papa!”

“I love you too, buttercup.” The rustling was back, and Erwin could hear the heavy sigh from the other end.

“Thanks.”

“Of course.”

There was the relief, but it was still hurt, frustrated, and a little rattled. Levi had never had to call with such a debilitating loss. Normally it was a call that celebrated the victory over the agonizing morning routine. Levi, Erwin’s knight in shining armor, slaying down the dragons of cranky toddlers with buttered toast and bunny-ear tying shoelaces. “I never thought it would be this hard.” Levi said softly.

“They certainly don’t come with instruction manuals.”

“Yeah…”

Erwin was quiet for a second, picturing the sleepy bags under Levi’s eyes, the dejected look across his face. So tired, but so happy now. Happier than he could remember. “You’re doing great, Levi.”

“It’s just a fucking jacket.”

“You’re doing great.”

Levi sighed.

“I love you  _ so _ much.”

“Well, I guess I’m going to the library now too.  _ Thanks _ . That kid is never gonna make it to school.”

Erwin laughed, deep and swelling with a pride that made his stomach warm. “Sorry, babe.”

“You’re lucky I love you so much.”

“I am.”

“I’ll see you tonight.”

“Yes. Have fun with my son.”

Levi snorted. “I always do. Love ya.”

“Love you too.” And with that, Erwin hung up the phone and brought his chair back to an upright position. He stared at the phone in its cradle. So much had changed in the past year since they adopted the kids. The stray granola bars in his briefcase, the mini-van, the Cheerios under the couch. The husband that smiled more. The kisses on four different eyelids, all the bedtime stories, the proud little smiles of a finger painted drawing. He longed to go home to see them all, wanted to be around them all the time. He never thought he’d be a family man. There was never time for it--he was too old. But Levi had changed all that. Armin, Eren, and Mikasa proved that he was actually quite good at it.

They gave him everything, and he wanted to give them the world.

That night he brought home flowers, a fresh set of sharpened crayons, a book a grade above Armin’s supposed reading level, and a foam sword. He wrapped each one of them in a strong embrace until even Mikasa griped about how tight it was. He kissed each forehead asleep as he tucked them into their beds. He swept back a piece of stray hair on his husbands face, dragged his thumb across his lips as they laid side by side in bed.

“You’re a good father, you know that?”

“I didn’t feel like it today.” Levi closed his eyes, pursed his lips against Erwin’s finger.

“I disagree. You’re our rock.”

“No,  _ you _ are. I’m the river that’s going to grind us all down until you see you don’t need me anymore.”

“Don’t say that, sweetheart.”

Levi opened his eyes again, grey and tired, but not red rimmed. Before this, before they were married, back when Levi was even hesitant to share a bed with him, he’d looked into those eyes and ached for them. He’d seen so much, had a will that was so shattered that it was still mending. The scars on his skin imposed by past demons from others and from himself, pink and puffy--one he used to kiss hoping they would disappear. So beautifully broken, and so preciously healing. He was capable of so much, had so much love to give. And he had chosen Erwin.

Erwin pressed his palm to his husband’s warm cheek, dragged the smaller man into his chest and brought his lips to his. “We’re all so lucky to have you, precious.”

Levi’s eyes were hidden by long lashes, they blinked as they stared off into Erwin’s shoulder. He finally looked up, met Erwin’s eyes, and smiled weakly. “Papa Bear.”

Erwin smiled in return, and kissed the final forehead for the night with a long drawn out need, as if it would quell all of Levi’s insecurities, all his fears. And maybe it did for a time. Erwin sighed contentedly into dark hair as he heard the soft rumbling snores of his husband in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm in the middle of writing an (accidentally) big fic for my eruri valentine, alongside writing the next chapter for final tour... these little ficlets kinda help keep my palette fresh. you can tell the other stuff is angsty with how fluffy this is.
> 
> this is kinda along the same headcanon for "about being dads" and "about trust (in a foreign country)". maybe if i can think of something not crappy, i'll actually turn this into a bigger thing.
> 
> more love for the erwin/armin admiration/father-son dynamic. ugh~
> 
> i actually really wanted to try to do a straight dialogue ficlet to see how i could do, but this just wasn't the story to tell that with. i'll try with something else in the future.


	13. About Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That time they had to repay their debts.

Levi never learned about hell. Didn’t know what it was about when he was growing up, or why his Christian friends were so afraid of it. It wasn’t until he was fifteen and nearly fell to his death from a broken zip-line at an amusement park that he truly understood what hell was.

Hell was remembering the feeling of your stomach eating itself through starvation. Hell was smelling the corpse of your mother turning in the stale air of a dirty, cramped room. Hell was the feeling of abandonment in a sea of people.

Growing up was difficult after that. Mortality became a realization. He quit soccer, stopped talking to what friends he did have. Stayed up until late in the night on the internet. He searched countless hours for him. His mother now, young and pretty still, knocking on his door to coax him to eat. He grew skinny, the bones in his face hollowing until he could feel that hunger too. It was familiar. Maybe if he was hungry, he would be saved again.

Hell was getting close to his friends. Hell was raising them to watch them fall. Hell was seeing their eyes glazing over and crying tears of rain in a muddy field of bloody bodies.

Levi dropped out of school. Didn’t go to college. Worked a job because he was told to, not because he wanted to. He served coffee, strained a smile, suppressed enough panic attacks to win a goddamn medal. He’d go home and search more--always searching. He had notebooks full of memories that didn’t belong to him. Sketches of a man’s face he’d never seen. He worried he was insane. This was the kind of stuff in movies. It didn’t actually happen.

And he saw a man once, entering  _ his _ store, and oh god it must be him. Finally, after six years of obsessing he had found him. They would be together.

Finally.

But it wasn’t him. Blond and tall but the eyes were wrong--dark brown like coffee beans, nearly black. They reminded him of a snake’s, and Levi buckled over the counter with a breath that couldn’t catch. His body suffocated himself and his hands clutched at the linoleum surface next to the register until a workmate ushered him away to the bathroom.

In the mirror was a man that looked like the one he used to see. Tired eyes, dark hair, pale skin. He could see all the history reflecting back at him--all the battles, all the people, all the lives he saw ripped apart in front of him.

But… But he didn’t have wings here. Had no liege to follow.

Hell was the hard blue of his eyes as he told him he would go on the expedition. Hell was knowing he couldn’t save him. Hell was trust.

Erwin Smith. He should have been easy to find. Erwin was not a common name. So why had he been searching for twelve years and gotten little to no leads? Levi’s name was the same in this life as his last. He supposed Erwin had his secrets--maybe Erwin Smith wasn’t his real name after all.

He quit his job. Became a shut-in. Joined message boards about reincarnation, mythology, missing people, genealogy. Anything. He learned he wasn’t alone, but he didn’t find what he was searching for. Erwin wasn’t looking for him. Not like he had before.

His twenty eighth birthday passed, and he still hadn’t been saved.

Hell was living in a world without Titans. Hell was waking up in a warm bed every morning with a stomach that didn’t hurt. Hell was remembering  _ everything _ , right down to knowing the different shades of dusty blond that stubbled Erwin’s cheeks.

Hell was living without him in a world that was perfect for living  _ with  _ him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well i guess the fluff couldn't stick around for long.
> 
>  
> 
> [based on this anon message on goddamnchou's tumblr](http://goddamnchou.tumblr.com/post/157024195230/what-if-eruris-way-of-repaying-their-debts-is)


	14. About Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That time Erwin gets what he wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A direct sequel to "About Hell".

Irvin was a good southern man. Grew up going to church every Sunday, was an Eagle Scout, a star quarterback, prom king. He was intelligent, handsome, cunning. He could have gone to college, but instead joined the military because his father and his father’s father had. Fought in wars with a salute that cast shadows across his eyes, blinding him to a past he didn’t know he had.

Heaven was coming home to a proud father and mother. Heaven was reconnecting with his high school sweetheart. Heaven was falling in love.

He proposed to her rather traditionally. The cuisine was french, the flowers were lilies, the ring white gold and adorned with a large diamond. He had saved up for it since they first started dating. They were soulmates, he and Marie. It upset him that they had waited so long.

She said yes, slipping her arms around his neck and pressing her tear stained cheeks against his neck. Irvin’s heart felt so big then, so full of love and admiration. There was no doubt that she would say yes, but he still felt relief when she did. They finished the night walking hand in hand in the park near the water fountain. They kissed, took a selfie with Marie’s ring, posted it on Facebook. 

Marie spent the rest of the night calling her parents and her friends, her hand with the engagement ring clutched tightly in Irvin’s as they walked back to the car.

Heaven was their wedding--traditional and big and gorgeous. Heaven was the look on Marie’s face when she told Irvin they were pregnant. Heaven was hearing his first born, red skinned and naked, screaming in her first breath.

They had a house. Big and ready to accommodate up to two more kids if they wanted. And they did. Years passed. Over the course of hundreds of diapers were PTA meetings and family vacations. They were happy as a family, and Irvin loved them more than he ever thought possible. He would die for them in an instant. Would do anything to give them a happy life, a life they deserved. It was true what people said: it’s different when they’re your own. His world never felt so big and yet so small.

Heaven was waking up in a bed every morning with his wife cradled in his arms. Heaven was hearing his children’s laughter, watching them grow out of their shoes every few months. Heaven was simplicity of love in faith, family, and self.

He had always thought his soulmate lived in his house, but he found out that day that they lived in his heart. It hit him so hard that he fell to his knees right in the middle of the sidewalk. Images of a war he had never been in, faces of men and women he’d never met, bleeding and lifeless, swam up and choked his mind along with his lungs. He gasped for air like a fish, and he said his name out loud even though it was a name he had never spoken.

“Levi!”

Levi turned to him, sunken eyes growing wide in disbelief, and he too lost his footing. He stumbled back into a trash can, rolled his ankle into the adjoining lamp post and cursed so loud that several pedestrians heads turned. “Erwin!?”

And Erwin knew that was his name even though it wasn’t in this life. He nodded, wide eyed and unsure of how to use his mother tongue anymore. He was using a different language in his head now, and he used it when he spoke to Levi. “Where have you been?”

Levi returned the same language. “I’ve been… Looking for you.” And he was crying now. Erwin had seen him cry so irregularly, and it didn’t hurt any less in this life. He charged into Erwin, knocking them both onto the concrete, not even caring that people had to walk around them. “For  _ so _ long.” Levi choked back a sob.

Erwin tightly wrapped his arms around the smaller man. Two arms, and with a smile on his lips. Oh… His right hand, his strongest, his everything. How had he forgotten? “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re here now.” Levi sobbed. “I thought it was too late. I thought I was too old…” His body heaved against Erwin’s.

“I’m so sorry.” Erwin said. And he meant it. Because he had a family. He had children. He wasn’t Erwin. He was Irvin. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Heaven was finding his soulmate in another life. Heaven was believing in a higher power to bring them together. Heaven was living in a peaceful world where their dreams could come true.

Heaven was not on earth; if this was heaven he would have been with him, he would have been his in this perfect, conflictless life.


End file.
